What if movie characters watched movies?

A while back, I went to the re-make of the movie Poseidon with a friend of mine. I knew nothing of the story, but I have a fondness of Greek mythos. I did enjoy it, but before the elevator scene, when we had all the characters announced, I made a prediction as to who would die and who would not. I was right as rain, actually, I was right about so much rain that I sunk the actual ship.

So what would happen if stars of movies actually watched movies of the genre they were starring in? Let’s see…

You would never enter an empty shack-ass house: this is the most obvious of all. It is more predictable than the ending of Harry Potter.

You would never be black: because they are always the first to die.
Harry Block: I’ve seen this movie, the black dude dies first. YOU snag it!

You would nevert talk to the woman: as in real life, all women in all movies are complete trouble. For the sake of the character, I am allowed this generalization. Case in point: the plot of every single Spider-man movie. No matter what happens, the bad guy is hanging Mary Jane somewhere. If Sam Raimi actually looked into this character, he might not have had to resort to the same crap every movie.

You would never trust the dude in black suits: because they are never, ever nice, and they never, ever mean it.
Dark Helmet: The Ring! I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a fool, what’s with you man, c’mon? Here let me give it back to you. Oh! [throws it down a hole]

You would bring along an Asian: because every Asian is a ninja. Just look at Short Round!

You would be gay: they never, ever die. Not yet, at least, because that would be terribly discriminatory.

You would never park near the edge of a cliff: because that is where Dinosaurs always show up.

You would not touch the damn book, artifact or shiny thing: this is how every Indie movie started, every Mummy movie started, and that latest National Treasure one.

You would never look closely as something you think is dead: because every X-Files episode and a few Jurassic Park movies end up with the ‘dead’ thing trying to eat you.

You would never kill the kids parents: because Batman and Daredevil can and will kick your ass after a few years of angst.

You would never tell, in detail, your entire, evil plan: because that is where the good guys get backup.

You would shoot the man dead: because no matter how hard you hit him on the head, he will get up right after you leave the scene.

You would never, ever, ever give a damn about dinosaurs: because if a dinosaur is even mentioned in a movie, he will eat you.

You would make sure you are not the sidekick: because they never get the ladies. Did we ever see Robin with a girl? No. Was this because him as Batman were lovers? Possibly.

You would nurse your wounds from a fight: because no matter how much you hate the man who did this to you, and no matter how much he threatened your wife. he will kick you right there.

You would install a key log detection program: because the villain has always, somehow, tapped your computer, sometimes with C4 (a la Transformers).

You would never cut of a scientists hand: because they turn into people like Dr. Claw.

You would never trust a man with a briefcase: because they never, ever contain just papers.

You would stop repeating everything you hear on the cellphone: because if your phone isn’t tapped, the dude beside you is going to betray you.

You would never take the bridge: be it for escape from a national disaster, or from aliens or something because they are always crap-full.

You would do your business in the damn car: because the bathroom is never seen in a movie unless something interesting happens. Like when a dinosaur eats you.

Tags: movies, list, batman, daredevil, xfiles, jurassic park, transformers