Just not ‘Happening’

http://tinyurl.com/64o3jv

Including the credits, in 13:00 the entire plot of M. Night Shyamalan’s horribly rated movie, ‘The Happening’ is laid out in full.   In order, between 9:06 and 9:32, we have it all said to us by a teacher;

• An airborne chemical toxin
• Warning signs:
  • Confused speech
  • Physical disorientation
  • Suicide

It takes not long after then that we learn that it isn’t even a terrorist plot.  Most movies follow the 3 Act Structure, popularized by Shakespeare, as shown below;

In an attempt, it would seem, to act less pretentious, and just start to make more sense, he threw the three portions of this structure into a hat, shook it up and tossed it onto a piss-stained motel bed in a sleazy part of the sleazy part of the ‘burbs.

There is no Act I, there is no beginning, the entire apparent setup exists between the first of many agonizing minutes, and the 13th one.  Did I mention that includes credits?  In order to not shorten the movie by a third (the first third that is missing) they stretched Act II to compensate for lost time.  I am going to be honest, I am not a paid movie reviewer so I had no reason to make me sit through that much pointless babble.  I did watch the ending, though, nothing really happened.  People walked to a house, and then faded into black.

Elliot Moore: You know that everyone gives off energy, right? It’s scientifically proven. They got these cameras that can record what color you are when you’re feeling different things. People that are angry give off a different color than people that are sad. See this ring? This ring can supposedly tell you what you’re feeling. Let’s see what you’re feeling right now.
[places mood ring on Jess' finger]
Elliot Moore: Oh yellow! Well that’s cool. That means you’re about to laugh

I have never felt such a strong conviction to stop watching a movie in my entire life. I have seen movies that bored me to sleep, and this is not necessarily boring, the acting was so horrible that I almost wanted to see what they would ruin next.

And yes, that up there was actual dialogue.  The praised writer, the writer who will save the world (in his own words), actually wrote that dribble, and actually paid people to say that.

I kid you not, kids, I kid you not.

And screw you, it is an awesome cliche title.

Tags: Movies

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